A language lesson

Van Der Leun. That's Dutch for "fuckmook".

At Oyster's behest, I felt compelled to write this. He somehow ran into one of those vitriolic diatribes that I usually seem to have a knack for finding. I wanted to eschew expletives, but when dealing with pond scum such as this, it is quite difficult. And fuckmook works so well, especially in this case.

A Mr. Van Der Leun (hey, a dutch name! Maybe he knows how to build a levee!) decided to vent his racist, genocidal spleen with a cute little post he called “Cutting Through the Katrina Krapola”. Yes, one would think that by taking license and spelling Krapola with a K, he would have followed through, and spelled “Kutting” the same way. However, that would have required logic, consistency, and forethought, things which this mook does not possess.

Let us dissect the mook’s (I think I’ll call him “Mookie”) little screed bit by bit.

First, Mr. Oyster stated that Mookie got his “evidence” from USA Today. Congrats! I hope those little squiggly things between the charts, graphs, and pictures didn’t distract him too much.

He calls New Orleanians “legions of hustlers, grifters, drunks, junkies, pathics and drooling layabouts”. Hmmm…I wonder which of us he’s talking about. People like me, with a PhD and two jobs? Others on my blogroll, with JDs, PhDs, MBAs, MDs, MFAs, and other advanced degrees? Oh, that’s right. He’s one of those who probably couldn’t cut it, and so his ‘conservative’ response is to slam the ‘liberal bent in higher education’ and denigrate our achievements. People in New Orleans are working harder than anyone, jackass, regardless of educational level. If you only have one job (and I don’t know a PhD in this town that only has one job), then you probably spend the rest of your time fixing up your house. Yes, we’re still doing it. Most of the gutting is over, but people are still hanging drywall, painting, hauling off debris, patching roofs and in general rebuilding their homes and lives. There’s also little affordable childcare, so our kids are either helping us with the work, or else we have to postpone the rebuilding time until after the kids are in bed. So, for clarification Mookie, does that make us “pathics” or “drooling layabouts”?

I love how people who have no grasp of mathematics, statistics, or even simple arithmetic still try to use numbers to help support their points. The twit who sued for $3 Quadrillion is what we call an outlier. We don’t consider him when determining weighted averages. He won’t make a big difference when calculating the median. But that doesn’t stop Mookie from using this outlier to cipher an average. As we say about the lottery, it is a tax on those who failed statistics. Mookie must direct deposit his paycheck to the lottery, and picks the same numbers, week after clueless week after clueless week.

Mookie proposes that “we” give New Orleans nothing from this day forward. I wonder who he means by “we”? Could it be him and his family? The KKK? The American Nazi Party? The Dittoheads? Homophobes Anonymous? People who can’t even find the “1”, let alone clap on it?

In any case, if he means “The US Government”, then hey, by all means do so. I’m sure that those of us living here would be happy to quit paying taxes, and then we could do the thing we’ve been threatening to do for years now: shut down the port, and turn off the pipeline. They’ll freeze to death in the dark. And they haven’t seen taxes until they see what will happen when they try to ship their engineered crops out of our port. Oh, and there will be a quintuple damages tax for any good that requires fertilizer – we have to take care of the dead zone you fuckmooks have created, see? We’re so tired of cleaning up after your mistakes. And if you don’t think we can do it, perhaps you should read about what happened to the British when they tried to fuck with New Orleans.

Mookie claims to have sent money “to this barrage of bozos”, and wants it back with interest. Oyster and Matt have offered to pay it back with interest, yet Mookie declined. Jeez. Make your mind up, homes. Either retract it, or, for the benefit of all, just shut the fuck up.

Then, for that old I have no proof, so I will speak in vast generalities that my twit readers will buy, he talks about the city’s “long line of corrupt citizens and politicians”. Hey, good for Mookie. He doesn’t just stick to the age-old technique of calling our politicians corrupt, he goes for the typical taxpayer as well! Bravo! Good thing the typical New Orleanian isn't an upstanding citizen like Scooter Libby, Dick Cheney, Larry Craig, Duke Cunningham, Mark Foley and Tom DeLay. At least they aren’t corrupt like us.

His next parry is to come up with a magic number of $127 Billion. This has been refuted over and over and over again, but, as is standard for Nazi propaganda, they believe if you tell a lie that’s big enough and you keep repeating it, eventually people will buy it. Oyster points out that the number includes the entire gulf coast, as well as the premiums we pay for flood insurance. But hey, keep chanting that mantra Mookie!

I like it when someone reveals that they can’t see the trees because the forest is blocking the view. In one simple paragraph Mookie claims that 1) nature flooded New Orleans, and 2) NOLA “is more expendable than any other city of its size in the country”. Oh good lord what a fuckmook.

Don’t you get tired of saying the same thing over and over and over? Yet these cretins have skulls so thick, it just can’t get in. Maybe it’s the constant Oxycontin induced ringing in their ears from trying to emulate Rush Limbaugh. Maybe it’s the constant Fentanyl induced ringing in their ears from trying to emulate Glenn Beck. In any case, let’s say it again, real slow like so maybe they can grasp it:

The hurricane didn’t flood New Orleans, the failure of the federally designed, constructed and maintained levees did.

There, was that tooooooo hard? OK, here comes part two:

The New Orleans port system is the LARGEST IN THE WORLD.

Expendable? Yeah, I guess Mookie wants to ship his Midwestern crops to the rest of the world by train. That trans-Pacific bridge is still on the drawing board, assgoblin. Much like a dog that’s been fixed, Mookie doesn’t get it.

Up next, he denigrates the cuisine of New Orleans. Well, Mookie, I’m sure there’s some chain food in a strip mall that you will like right around the corner from your vinyl-siding beige house. In this paragraph, you may have even lost a few of your devoted followers by slamming oysters. That’s right, he doesn’t like oysters. Maybe if they were served with Olive Garden breadsticks, extra MSG and oleo, he could go for it. Then he slams NOLA coffee. Fine, if you don’t like chicory, then don’t drink it. However, most of the coffee that comes into the US comes through the port of New Orleans. Ooops. Now, you can’t even switch to Postum.

In the following paragraph, he slams brass bands and the tradition of a funeral with music. Decorum prohibits me saying a single word about this.

Next on his hit list: go cups. If you understand the concept of go cups, which Mookie evidently does not, you understand the basic sensibility of New Orleans. With the freedom of go cups comes responsibility. You can have a drink, just don't put it in a glass, where somebody could get hurt if it broke. Enjoy yourself. Don’t act like an ass, but pass a good time. Evidently he prefers a society where he is told what to do, when to do it, what to wear, and pretty much everything else. Rather than have a choice of clothing, he would prefer to go to his closet and have his pick of 12 identical brown shirts.

Next, he talks about idiots in the Quarter and idiots during Mardi Gras. Once again, showing his incapacity for logic, he fails to realize that the people there on Bourbon Street are tourists. They are cooped up next door to fuckmooks like him the entire year, wearing their brown shirts, and when they come to New Orleans, they have to let loose. And thanks to the media, he doesn’t see any side of Mardi Gras but the one where all of his Girls Gone Wild collection was taped.

In his final paragraph, he says that the USACE should blow up the levees and let the city drown. This is obviously an act of cowardice (sorry we scare you so much, homes), but more importantly: an act of terrorism, an act of treason. As such, I see no reason why Mookie should not be made to get on his knees, and shot in the back of the head. Treason is unforgiveable, and he should be made to pay the ultimate price.

The only bright side to this is that he is asking the United States Army Corps of Engineers to blow up the levees. Since they are no longer capable of doing a single fucking thing right, I will feel safe should they attempt this.

To close, from Cousin Pat from Georgia: "Oh yeah, one more thing, especially for all you who are sitting around thinking about how slimy and bad and teat-suckling us Southerners are: No Americans get voted off this island, we answered that question, as a nation, very, very loudly back in 1865. But if you would like to revisit that particular issue, if you are sooo tired of dealing with your fellow Americans, if having us as a part of your "more perfect Union" is somehow harshing your West-Coast-Penthouse-editing-self-righteousness mellow, just secede."

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